Rejection was essential in God's plan

No matter how hard I try, I'll never fit in. I can relate to small parts of people's experiences or agree with them on a surface level, but I will never belong to the human race, civilized or wild. There's something fundamental about me that makes me an outsider, I've felt it my entire life, and strange things have happened to me that reinforced this feeling. Like I'm from another world or from a different time. I struggle to understand people my age and that's why I have no real friends, I have moral values often at odds with the world I live in, values that come from within, not from parents or peers or celebrities or any kind of dogmatic institution or school of thought. I look much younger than my age, and feel much older than I look (I hate the term "old soul" though, like I'm not allowed to be a silly dumbass or feel enthusiastic about life or something). I am an outsider looking in, trying to understand what it means to be human. I have tried so hard to rationalize my feelings and experiences, I tried to deny myself this truth, but to no avail. I wonder if my father felt the same, which is why his life became so messed up, because my mother doesn’t have this issue. He did say something about feeling like an outsider, but that was in the context of marriage and his in-laws, whom he admitted he didn’t feel worthy of.

I only feel like myself when I am utterly alone. In 2019 I spent months alone, not talking to anyone and cutting off internet, and I felt reborn, I haven't been so happy since childhood. Solitude is absolutely vital to my sanity; I enjoy feeling like an abandoned church, it's bliss, almost an ideal fantasy of mine, to be absolutely free of earthly attachments, though I do wish to know pure love at least once. Maybe I am from another world, and in time I will embrace it and learn to live my truth, and something good will happen.

I wonder what will happen when/if I actually start being my authentic self in front of people instead of trying desperately and awkwardly to blend in. I hate attention directed towards my person. I hate eyes looking at me, and people thinking about me in any way. Pretending to be a shadow of myself makes me feel safe, safe from judgement and criticism, which I have no courage to handle. I don’t have enough anger to argue, or to make light of it. Every time I try to be myself I am always misunderstood and I don’t have the energy to explain myself. Family, friends, strangers, everyone is like “why do you want that?” “why did you decide that?” “why didn’t you do that earlier/why don’t you wait?” and I just want to be left alone in peace. And yet I want to be myself so bad. The difference between my inner self and outer self is starting to bother me. I feel like I’m a bad and immoral person if I lie or choose excessive privacy. Even my mom asking me where I am feels like an accusation, an attack on my person (though it’s not ofc). I wish I could be myself and gracefully dodge these questions, judgements and incursions on my privacy.

I envy those who have "normal" lives, who at least swim in that ocean of human consciousness, that are the fish in the sea of humanity, who share similar experiences, who act predictably in psychological experiments, who seem "wired" to be human. Even those with mental illnesses, which have been studied and diagnosed, who are still human, if only a little different. I envy the delusional ones who believe they're "starseeds" (incarnations of aliens from outer space), or "shards" of angels, and I envy those who cling to labels like "indigo child", or even those who are unironically Otherkin. I truly envy those people. They found something. They have something. Something with a name, even with a community. There are articles and posts about these people, written by themselves sometimes. They're still human, in my eyes. Sensitive beings and idealists who struggle with society, and their family histories clearly explain why they are the way they are, at least in the people I know. They all have family problems. I had them too, but I somehow I avoided trauma which anyone else in my case would have had. As though I was born detached, with an awareness than anything that happened to me was trivial in the grand scheme of things. I looked at all of my experiences from a spiritual point of view, I knew about karma and reincarnation since before I even understood the concept of time. I was that young. I remember everything I felt... But overtime I felt embarrassed by these things I felt. And when I got older, past my teens, that embarrassment turned to fear. Fear of being mentally ill/delusional and fear of my experiences and hunches being true. Both were mortifying. I looked into Autism and Asperger's, and it's possible I'm on the spectrum, but I'm a woman in my mid-20s and to get a test in my country for someone like me is impossible - I asked. Impossible and costly. I also feel like it wouldn't change anything anyway. The very nature of Asperger's is still being explored, and there's not enough research on what it even is. Plus, I hold the belief that society is itself sick, which makes me have a different understanding on what sanity is, I suppose.
There is no word for what I am. I've tried everything, to be sure, but nothing fit. Someone like me isn't supposed to exist, but does. I feel intimately connected to the universe, to the fabric of reality, in a way I can't explain. Almost like I can talk to it, like it can hear me. It could be God, but this presence, this spiritual connection, is why I never feel alone or even lonely. I always feel like someone is there in the dark, listening. Someone is with me. Maybe an angel... My dreams are so vivid, they're part of my life memories and experiences. Like I remember dreams I had since childhood. And I remember one where I used to have a recurring dream of Baphomet, or Krampus, coming to eat me before I'd wake up. And then I dreamed of an angel who made the monster disappear, and held me tightly in his arms, surrounded by soft white light, and he promised me he'd always be with me so... Maybe that's what it is, I don't know. Even in astrology, I don't relate at all to my birth chart. But when I look at the chart for my Christening, I was astounded to find that those planets, signs, houses... Were what I always felt, idealized. It shook me to my core, like seeing my true self for the first time. Why Christening? What has Christ got to do with it?
The closest I've ever gotten to feeling understood was reading Anne Rice's "Interview With the Vampire", which is my favourite book of all time, and how painfully I felt for the protagonist Louis. Not only do I empathize and relate to him to the core of my soul, but I also idealize him as a man, as a lover. I am not a vampire but I might as well be, because I have the same sense of "damnation" about the unnamed thing I am, but also a sensitivity about it, and a kind of pleasure at times, and this sense of being ancient but detached from the flow of time, as well as the fear that if humans REALLY knew they would come after me or hate me. And longing to find answers, but also terribly afraid of them. I've had many dreams about being a vampire, though I never cared about vampires until this book. I loved Twilight as a teenager, but I only liked the romance part, not the vampire part - I didn't care for that. I always saw vampires for what they are - evil. I can't be a vampire - I'd much rather be a vampire slayer, like Buffy or Van Helsing. I like vampires, but I admire the slayers so much more. I wish they were romanticized and glorified, instead of demonic entities who look glamorous and hypnotize their audience into a kind of stupor. But anyway... I must play along, while finding a way to accept first my fundamental differentiation. Then I might move on...