You Know I'm Right
Sep. 15th, 2021 01:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dreamingwithfairiesThis morning I went for a long walk by the sea. I saw a children's playground overrun with ravens and crows, and I saw the most interesting sunrise I've ever seen.
I didn't just go to figure stuff out, I went out for exercise too. That walk is a long one.
And this is what I thought about:
I remember in circa 2015 when I used to be part of the pagan/divination community on Tumblr, and my dashboard was full of signs and meanings, which was relatable to myself or my friends. I was in a tight little circle with some intense and otherworldly people, some of which were considered “Tumblr famous” at that time. It was a form of escapism, a form of coping. Needless to say, our tight little circle fell apart, with only one of us remaining true to her vision to this day.
Our friendship and my online - as well as offline - experience centered around the esoteric - divination, Tarot, spells, charms, witchcraft, and neopaganism. I met more people, my mental health started deteriorating, and I started to experience what I believe was a form of psychosis. At one point I actually made an appointment to get my brain scanned, but I changed my mind at the last second. Partly because I believed my experience was real and was afraid to become a guinea pig, but moreso to get those experiences invalidated and being forced to get medication (drugs really scare me for some reason, I will often suffer a headache instead of taking a pill). I started getting extremely realistic dreams, taking place at another time and place, with me as a different person. I would wake up crying or laughing or talking. Sometimes I didn't even sleep - I just went into a kind of trance where I would talk to someone in the dream, and then forget what I talked about. I lost my grip on reality and my sense of identity so bad, that I fell behind on my studies, abandoned my real-life relationships, and essentially fell behind in life from which I am only since 2019 trying to recover. It was an intense time. I might as well have been doing drugs, that's how bad it was.
Nevertheless, a part of me misses that time. This kind of stuff often happens to people who have been through dark times, like suicidal ideation (which I had), self-harm, addiction, abusive relationships etc.
Mostly I miss it because it gave my life meaning, everything seemed like it had a purpose, everything was a "sign". We would encourage each other through sharing readings, comparing similarities, uncanny accuracies, and so on. We would talk about our real lives too, using divination to make sense of it all, and to try to "remember" where we "really" come from.
But I always had a voice deep inside me tell me to snap out of it. That what I was doing was wrong. I knew the truth. This inner voice often stopped me from believing a lot of things. It made my experience very hard, because in our group, I was the most sceptical, doubtful, logical. I wasn't fully onboard. I was afraid of the truth which I knew. I was afraid to face the meaninglessness of my life. I learned first-hand what it means to accept a beautiful lie rather than a harsh truth, even if I didn't entirely accept the lie. That being said, I also believe that there is more to truth than meets the eye.
I suppose I write this because a few days ago I confronted myself with the truth. The meaninglessness of my life, and the only reason which is keeping me alive being no longer sufficient, due to its inherent selfishness.
So I started to think of what I could do to replace what I used to have.
In the divination & neopagan community I was, well, part of a community. My gifts were infinitely useful. There's a lot of positivity there. I never charged for my readings, and many times I was scarily accurate.
In fact, the many times which I have proven myself in my life to have psychic gifts is one of the main reasons for my psychosis. The possibility of such things being real and not make-believe really mess me up. I can't deal with it the way most people with the gift deal with it. I want to know the why's and the how's. I want to know the science behind it. I want to be able to prove it, to experiment with it. Because I believe it's important and potentially useful for all mankind, and in itself has massive potential consequences for the very nature of our world... But I digress.
I've thought about it at length, even before this morning, years before, in fact. There is no way I could ever return to the divination community, not online, and not in real life. There are many reasons for this. One big one being that I refuse, morally refuse, to charge any money. Second, it's too much responsibility. I don't believe my readings half as much as others believe in them. Third, and most frightening, is that getting involved with divination and theism changes my perception of reality, and based on my past experience, that can be confusing to the point of disability. It's not just fun and games for me, or a form of entertainment. Never has been. I think it's because I take it very serious.
So I have decided that, as far as divination and theism goes, it is deeply important to me. Essential, in fact. The esoteric is a part of my very soul, my identity. But I have decided that from this time, the use of occult tools, literature, communication & worship of any deities or spirits, witchcraft, and all such things, will be exclusively a private matter to me. I will be of service to no one. No one will know, unless I feel it's important for them to know. My very close family know, especially of my dreams (my grandmother also has prophetic dreams). I will use these tools to understand myself better, as well as the universe around me. I can furthermore lie to myself, for my own benefit (which has worked so far, to my surprise). If it helps to believe in it, I will continue to do so, but I will not subject others to believe in what I do.
But what does this have to do with anything?
It's the sense of meaning & community I talked about.
I can't know yet if my return to mysticism exclusively for personal use will yield the same results. I do like the idea of posting "fun" topics, such as doing readings on celebrities, politicians, historical events, and various mysteries. For fun. It's just an idea.
One vague idea I have for this replacement, which may be suitable, is combining this sense of meaning, charity & community with my intended field of study and possibly career. A community of art and history enthusiasts. Lovers of antiques, archeology, anthropology, and such. Lovers of culture and tradition and mythology. I can see myself being into it. It's not as definite as mysticism, I know. But I suppose it makes me feel something like Prue, the eldest sister from "Charmed" who studied art history and became a successful antiques dealer and art evaluator (???), and only later had her witchcraft powers unlocked. After she quit that job, she became a photographer (another one of my personal interests and hobbies). I dunno.
I just wanted to think about a passion, and interest I have, which may be of use to others, which I would happily do for free, as a volunteer, or gladly do as a career. Something I would gladly be known for by people.
That being said, I am also studying Photoshop, and graphic design and image editing is, I know, a safe enough industry to go into. I've already had my first commission done for a local business - some letter design for a van. Coincidentally owned by a man who deals in antique furniture restoration, and himself an artist.
I have also gotten the idea to get in touch with a counsellor (who hasn't gotten back to me yet) to help myself move forward. Because as a result of my depression, I have fallen behind on literally everything. EVERYTHING. I also left everything behind from that period. I have nothing, and I constantly feel like I have to catch up. I am about to start college, hoping I won't drop out this time, and there's the prospect of there being new friendships, perhaps... Essentially, I need help finalizing my recovery process, and help building a new future for myself, where things are as they should be... Because there is so much I want to do.
I didn't just go to figure stuff out, I went out for exercise too. That walk is a long one.
And this is what I thought about:
I remember in circa 2015 when I used to be part of the pagan/divination community on Tumblr, and my dashboard was full of signs and meanings, which was relatable to myself or my friends. I was in a tight little circle with some intense and otherworldly people, some of which were considered “Tumblr famous” at that time. It was a form of escapism, a form of coping. Needless to say, our tight little circle fell apart, with only one of us remaining true to her vision to this day.
Our friendship and my online - as well as offline - experience centered around the esoteric - divination, Tarot, spells, charms, witchcraft, and neopaganism. I met more people, my mental health started deteriorating, and I started to experience what I believe was a form of psychosis. At one point I actually made an appointment to get my brain scanned, but I changed my mind at the last second. Partly because I believed my experience was real and was afraid to become a guinea pig, but moreso to get those experiences invalidated and being forced to get medication (drugs really scare me for some reason, I will often suffer a headache instead of taking a pill). I started getting extremely realistic dreams, taking place at another time and place, with me as a different person. I would wake up crying or laughing or talking. Sometimes I didn't even sleep - I just went into a kind of trance where I would talk to someone in the dream, and then forget what I talked about. I lost my grip on reality and my sense of identity so bad, that I fell behind on my studies, abandoned my real-life relationships, and essentially fell behind in life from which I am only since 2019 trying to recover. It was an intense time. I might as well have been doing drugs, that's how bad it was.
Nevertheless, a part of me misses that time. This kind of stuff often happens to people who have been through dark times, like suicidal ideation (which I had), self-harm, addiction, abusive relationships etc.
Mostly I miss it because it gave my life meaning, everything seemed like it had a purpose, everything was a "sign". We would encourage each other through sharing readings, comparing similarities, uncanny accuracies, and so on. We would talk about our real lives too, using divination to make sense of it all, and to try to "remember" where we "really" come from.
But I always had a voice deep inside me tell me to snap out of it. That what I was doing was wrong. I knew the truth. This inner voice often stopped me from believing a lot of things. It made my experience very hard, because in our group, I was the most sceptical, doubtful, logical. I wasn't fully onboard. I was afraid of the truth which I knew. I was afraid to face the meaninglessness of my life. I learned first-hand what it means to accept a beautiful lie rather than a harsh truth, even if I didn't entirely accept the lie. That being said, I also believe that there is more to truth than meets the eye.
I suppose I write this because a few days ago I confronted myself with the truth. The meaninglessness of my life, and the only reason which is keeping me alive being no longer sufficient, due to its inherent selfishness.
So I started to think of what I could do to replace what I used to have.
In the divination & neopagan community I was, well, part of a community. My gifts were infinitely useful. There's a lot of positivity there. I never charged for my readings, and many times I was scarily accurate.
In fact, the many times which I have proven myself in my life to have psychic gifts is one of the main reasons for my psychosis. The possibility of such things being real and not make-believe really mess me up. I can't deal with it the way most people with the gift deal with it. I want to know the why's and the how's. I want to know the science behind it. I want to be able to prove it, to experiment with it. Because I believe it's important and potentially useful for all mankind, and in itself has massive potential consequences for the very nature of our world... But I digress.
I've thought about it at length, even before this morning, years before, in fact. There is no way I could ever return to the divination community, not online, and not in real life. There are many reasons for this. One big one being that I refuse, morally refuse, to charge any money. Second, it's too much responsibility. I don't believe my readings half as much as others believe in them. Third, and most frightening, is that getting involved with divination and theism changes my perception of reality, and based on my past experience, that can be confusing to the point of disability. It's not just fun and games for me, or a form of entertainment. Never has been. I think it's because I take it very serious.
So I have decided that, as far as divination and theism goes, it is deeply important to me. Essential, in fact. The esoteric is a part of my very soul, my identity. But I have decided that from this time, the use of occult tools, literature, communication & worship of any deities or spirits, witchcraft, and all such things, will be exclusively a private matter to me. I will be of service to no one. No one will know, unless I feel it's important for them to know. My very close family know, especially of my dreams (my grandmother also has prophetic dreams). I will use these tools to understand myself better, as well as the universe around me. I can furthermore lie to myself, for my own benefit (which has worked so far, to my surprise). If it helps to believe in it, I will continue to do so, but I will not subject others to believe in what I do.
But what does this have to do with anything?
It's the sense of meaning & community I talked about.
I can't know yet if my return to mysticism exclusively for personal use will yield the same results. I do like the idea of posting "fun" topics, such as doing readings on celebrities, politicians, historical events, and various mysteries. For fun. It's just an idea.
One vague idea I have for this replacement, which may be suitable, is combining this sense of meaning, charity & community with my intended field of study and possibly career. A community of art and history enthusiasts. Lovers of antiques, archeology, anthropology, and such. Lovers of culture and tradition and mythology. I can see myself being into it. It's not as definite as mysticism, I know. But I suppose it makes me feel something like Prue, the eldest sister from "Charmed" who studied art history and became a successful antiques dealer and art evaluator (???), and only later had her witchcraft powers unlocked. After she quit that job, she became a photographer (another one of my personal interests and hobbies). I dunno.
I just wanted to think about a passion, and interest I have, which may be of use to others, which I would happily do for free, as a volunteer, or gladly do as a career. Something I would gladly be known for by people.
That being said, I am also studying Photoshop, and graphic design and image editing is, I know, a safe enough industry to go into. I've already had my first commission done for a local business - some letter design for a van. Coincidentally owned by a man who deals in antique furniture restoration, and himself an artist.
I have also gotten the idea to get in touch with a counsellor (who hasn't gotten back to me yet) to help myself move forward. Because as a result of my depression, I have fallen behind on literally everything. EVERYTHING. I also left everything behind from that period. I have nothing, and I constantly feel like I have to catch up. I am about to start college, hoping I won't drop out this time, and there's the prospect of there being new friendships, perhaps... Essentially, I need help finalizing my recovery process, and help building a new future for myself, where things are as they should be... Because there is so much I want to do.
