Entangled Sight
Dec. 22nd, 2025 07:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dreamingwithfairiesBefore June 2025, I felt essentially imprisoned and alone. In my life, in my head, in here. My thoughts and feelings were like flies flinging themselves into a glass window, trying to get out of an abandoned house. I always loved abandoned things, I relate to them at a deep level. This website simulated the experience of the early 2000s, a nostalgic period for me. I think what I wanted do was find an alternative to Tumblr or WordPress, which I used before. I had a WordPress blog where I wrote "articles" mostly my thoughts about mainstream society and social media. I was very withdrawn, no friends. I loved it, even though I wouldn't go back to that now if I could.
Finding like-minded people has gotten easier for me as I got older and became more expressive and confident. Though I've always had this aura where people told me things they didn't tell anybody else, that it's easy to open up to me. But it never went both ways. Never. Not that people didn't try, they just couldn't understand what was going on inside me, what I needed. It made me seem cold and distant. I was never responsive to gentleness. It made me feel coddled when I wanted the truth, the motivation, the teamwork. Now, it's different, and easier. It's easier when you accept that most people will never really know you or understand you, that they will never meet you at your level of depth. And that's okay. Not everything has to be deep and meaningful.
But when someone comes along and is genuinely on the same frequency as you? That's a crisis situation. That's not funny. Not if you're someone like me.
I have a few subscribers here for some reason (hi) not sure if I should interact with any of you, since one of you abandoned your journal, and one is empty. Maybe I will... Anyways, I remember my very first subscriber. I checked his account first and saw he had written a few things himself, which were charged with depth, honesty and intensity. It was pretty cool, so I thought I'd send him a simple "thank you" message, for being the first person who committed to watching this burning trash heap of a journal.
Sometimes a simple thanks can go a long way, as it turns out.
It had been a secret fantasy of mine to have myself found out here, my journal read with curiosity and attraction by a random soul. It finally happened one day, to my surprise.
It reminds me of a line from some prayer, asking God to bestow wisdom to be able to hold onto the thing you wished for. Getting what you want is terrifying, actually, because you know how rare and exclusive it is. It's like catching a falling star. Here one moment, gone the next. I was never prepared.
It sounds so simple, and it is, but when you grow up in so much solitude as I did, spending your entire fucking life internalising so much because socialising is so alienating while being so different is immediately pathologised as "neurodivergent", meeting someone you click with is catastrophic.
It's embarrassing to admit that it has taken me this long to process what being seen has done to my psyche, which has gone an entire fucking life having an invisible secret self. I wrote here because I didn't actually believe anyone would ever read anything I wrote; I merely wanted the illusion of being seen. That's why I don't keep everything in my notes only.
What does it mean when an invisible, hidden self is seen? Not just seen, but recognised? Not just recognised, but liked? Not just liked but disliked too? It can never be unseen.
It should have been a celebration, but as usual, I was a bit guarded. I wanted connection, but not ready for it. What I needed more was comfort. And it is strange to admit, when I had just said that gentleness is not effective, but this time was different. I sought comfort in a person I had no right to seek it from.
A second catastrophe struck - I got what I wanted again. Beyond what I could even hope for. It was the most twisted, unexpected thing.
This was the beginning of the end of my existential loneliness, something that tore down the boundaries, the limits, the definitions I had so carefully constructed around my identity. The sense of being completely alone and forlorn in the world that I've always carried in my heart was suddenly gone. I had grown accustomed to it, I believed it was my fate, and anything counter to that an impossible fantasy. But here was someone who made me feel seen, exposed, and worst of all - encouraged more authenticity, more honesty, more trust. Someone who seemed deeply invested into making me feel safe to be who I really am. Up to that point I could only be myself *with* myself, and even that was difficult at times because of how harsh I am with myself. This was an insane experiment I've never tried. It inevitably escalated into insanity.
The second thing that embarrasses me to admit is that only today did I realise the cost of emotional entanglement. Boundaries were crossed, even if I don't really understand which ones, it feels like it was all of them all at once, intensely, passionately, rapidly, selfishly. I feel burned out but not drained. It's just like that time when I was in Spain and had so much fun at the beach for a few hours, that I had a horrible sunburn that made me hate the sun and the beach ever since. Even though I was the reckless one. I was a kid so what I learned from that was not "be more careful next time" it was "don't ever go to the beach on a sunny day in a hot climate." This is similar to that, but thankfully I quickly realised now that removing myself from joy entirely because overdosing on it has caused a lot of long-term discomfort isn't a solution. The solution is to get over it and take better care next time. Which is harder to do than saying "if I can't go completely crazy, I never wanna go crazy at all", extremes are always easier than moderation, at least for me.
I changed and forgot who I was before the heat, what I wanted from my life and myself. What thoughts and feelings are exclusively mine and should remain so. That not every burden needs to be unloaded, not every thought shared, not every feeling expressed. It's an entirely new learning curve for me - to go from complete restraint to no self-control back to self-control and yet... What I know for sure is that this time my self-control will be balanced, thoughtful, disciplined. Not excessive and guarded and individualistic like it always used to be. I've experienced two extremes so now I can feel where the middle is. I'm still adjusting.
I've used words like "crisis" and "catastrophe" in reference to meeting someone you deeply vibe with but I mean that from the perspective of ego. I have yet to process the exorcism that took place, but all I know is that my goals now are back to self-improvement and original ambition. Only now I can handle the idea of someone else being beside me, seeing me do these things in real-time, from the beginning.
Why did I get so personally entangled? Why did I look at it so seriously like it's a matter of life and death? I honestly don't have a clear answer because it never happened before, not like this. I think it's a combination of psychological triggers and lifelong beliefs being shattered. It's a complex concoction of fears, hopes and desires that results in the need to control, test and demand. I allowed myself to be controlled by my own impulses, I gave precious energy to phantoms that made everything seem like there's pain right around the corner. I could have been giving my energy to something else, continued on like I had before, but I couldn't. I was enslaved by my own mind, gripped in a way that drowned out independent thought.
All because I no longer felt alone.
But I am remembering now what it was like. It's true that it can never really go back to the way it was, but that doesn't mean that I lost myself either. Being finally seen for who I am as a whole - the good, the bad and the ugly - felt like a catastrophe because it shook the core foundation my identity is built on, something I held onto quite tightly. I needed something to cling to because I had nothing to stand on anymore. I latched on like a parasite because the old ways I used to sustain myself were gone.
I'm rebuilding something better for myself now. Something with a foundation based in alignment, not individuation. I no longer relate to the idea of being isolated from humanity, separate, forlorn in the world. I no longer wish to base my identity off of that. Individuation is incompatible with genuine human connection. All those occultists and fringe philosophers (especially Gurdjeff) seem like cowards to me now because they sought escape and separation, no matter how edgy they thought they were. Occultism is literally about power over others. I'll talk about Satanism another time but it is vile in its own way while claiming to be "truly natural", maybe I'll debunk it once I'm done with something else. Who fucking cares about living according to nature. There is no such thing and it is futile for humans to even try. We're all freaks.
Finding like-minded people has gotten easier for me as I got older and became more expressive and confident. Though I've always had this aura where people told me things they didn't tell anybody else, that it's easy to open up to me. But it never went both ways. Never. Not that people didn't try, they just couldn't understand what was going on inside me, what I needed. It made me seem cold and distant. I was never responsive to gentleness. It made me feel coddled when I wanted the truth, the motivation, the teamwork. Now, it's different, and easier. It's easier when you accept that most people will never really know you or understand you, that they will never meet you at your level of depth. And that's okay. Not everything has to be deep and meaningful.
But when someone comes along and is genuinely on the same frequency as you? That's a crisis situation. That's not funny. Not if you're someone like me.
I have a few subscribers here for some reason (hi) not sure if I should interact with any of you, since one of you abandoned your journal, and one is empty. Maybe I will... Anyways, I remember my very first subscriber. I checked his account first and saw he had written a few things himself, which were charged with depth, honesty and intensity. It was pretty cool, so I thought I'd send him a simple "thank you" message, for being the first person who committed to watching this burning trash heap of a journal.
Sometimes a simple thanks can go a long way, as it turns out.
It had been a secret fantasy of mine to have myself found out here, my journal read with curiosity and attraction by a random soul. It finally happened one day, to my surprise.
It reminds me of a line from some prayer, asking God to bestow wisdom to be able to hold onto the thing you wished for. Getting what you want is terrifying, actually, because you know how rare and exclusive it is. It's like catching a falling star. Here one moment, gone the next. I was never prepared.
It sounds so simple, and it is, but when you grow up in so much solitude as I did, spending your entire fucking life internalising so much because socialising is so alienating while being so different is immediately pathologised as "neurodivergent", meeting someone you click with is catastrophic.
It's embarrassing to admit that it has taken me this long to process what being seen has done to my psyche, which has gone an entire fucking life having an invisible secret self. I wrote here because I didn't actually believe anyone would ever read anything I wrote; I merely wanted the illusion of being seen. That's why I don't keep everything in my notes only.
What does it mean when an invisible, hidden self is seen? Not just seen, but recognised? Not just recognised, but liked? Not just liked but disliked too? It can never be unseen.
It should have been a celebration, but as usual, I was a bit guarded. I wanted connection, but not ready for it. What I needed more was comfort. And it is strange to admit, when I had just said that gentleness is not effective, but this time was different. I sought comfort in a person I had no right to seek it from.
A second catastrophe struck - I got what I wanted again. Beyond what I could even hope for. It was the most twisted, unexpected thing.
This was the beginning of the end of my existential loneliness, something that tore down the boundaries, the limits, the definitions I had so carefully constructed around my identity. The sense of being completely alone and forlorn in the world that I've always carried in my heart was suddenly gone. I had grown accustomed to it, I believed it was my fate, and anything counter to that an impossible fantasy. But here was someone who made me feel seen, exposed, and worst of all - encouraged more authenticity, more honesty, more trust. Someone who seemed deeply invested into making me feel safe to be who I really am. Up to that point I could only be myself *with* myself, and even that was difficult at times because of how harsh I am with myself. This was an insane experiment I've never tried. It inevitably escalated into insanity.
The second thing that embarrasses me to admit is that only today did I realise the cost of emotional entanglement. Boundaries were crossed, even if I don't really understand which ones, it feels like it was all of them all at once, intensely, passionately, rapidly, selfishly. I feel burned out but not drained. It's just like that time when I was in Spain and had so much fun at the beach for a few hours, that I had a horrible sunburn that made me hate the sun and the beach ever since. Even though I was the reckless one. I was a kid so what I learned from that was not "be more careful next time" it was "don't ever go to the beach on a sunny day in a hot climate." This is similar to that, but thankfully I quickly realised now that removing myself from joy entirely because overdosing on it has caused a lot of long-term discomfort isn't a solution. The solution is to get over it and take better care next time. Which is harder to do than saying "if I can't go completely crazy, I never wanna go crazy at all", extremes are always easier than moderation, at least for me.
I changed and forgot who I was before the heat, what I wanted from my life and myself. What thoughts and feelings are exclusively mine and should remain so. That not every burden needs to be unloaded, not every thought shared, not every feeling expressed. It's an entirely new learning curve for me - to go from complete restraint to no self-control back to self-control and yet... What I know for sure is that this time my self-control will be balanced, thoughtful, disciplined. Not excessive and guarded and individualistic like it always used to be. I've experienced two extremes so now I can feel where the middle is. I'm still adjusting.
I've used words like "crisis" and "catastrophe" in reference to meeting someone you deeply vibe with but I mean that from the perspective of ego. I have yet to process the exorcism that took place, but all I know is that my goals now are back to self-improvement and original ambition. Only now I can handle the idea of someone else being beside me, seeing me do these things in real-time, from the beginning.
Why did I get so personally entangled? Why did I look at it so seriously like it's a matter of life and death? I honestly don't have a clear answer because it never happened before, not like this. I think it's a combination of psychological triggers and lifelong beliefs being shattered. It's a complex concoction of fears, hopes and desires that results in the need to control, test and demand. I allowed myself to be controlled by my own impulses, I gave precious energy to phantoms that made everything seem like there's pain right around the corner. I could have been giving my energy to something else, continued on like I had before, but I couldn't. I was enslaved by my own mind, gripped in a way that drowned out independent thought.
All because I no longer felt alone.
But I am remembering now what it was like. It's true that it can never really go back to the way it was, but that doesn't mean that I lost myself either. Being finally seen for who I am as a whole - the good, the bad and the ugly - felt like a catastrophe because it shook the core foundation my identity is built on, something I held onto quite tightly. I needed something to cling to because I had nothing to stand on anymore. I latched on like a parasite because the old ways I used to sustain myself were gone.
I'm rebuilding something better for myself now. Something with a foundation based in alignment, not individuation. I no longer relate to the idea of being isolated from humanity, separate, forlorn in the world. I no longer wish to base my identity off of that. Individuation is incompatible with genuine human connection. All those occultists and fringe philosophers (especially Gurdjeff) seem like cowards to me now because they sought escape and separation, no matter how edgy they thought they were. Occultism is literally about power over others. I'll talk about Satanism another time but it is vile in its own way while claiming to be "truly natural", maybe I'll debunk it once I'm done with something else. Who fucking cares about living according to nature. There is no such thing and it is futile for humans to even try. We're all freaks.
