Rivers of Belief

[dreamingwithfairies]

 It's been weeks since I felt like myself - but what does that mean, exactly?

It's funny. As someone who has always struggled to identify myself with anyone or anything, who has been perpetually unstable and changeable for as long as I can remember, and as someone who has desperately sought some kind of answers about who I truly am or who I should become... I never identified myself with the world or any groups or ideologies. Sure, I tried. I envy anyone who can divorce reason or compassion just to be part of a tribe or something. 

You are female. You are Caucasian. These are your parents. This is your nationality, your religion, your sexual orientation, your generation (millennial or zillennial???). This is your school, your college degree, your job, your circle of friends. This and this and this that you fell into that you were given is you. Yet something deep inside me always said "no", and that voice told me even stranger things which I argued even as a child. "You are not like everyone else. You are not here for the reasons other people are..." I said, sure literally everyone thinks that. I am not different. And how narcissitic of me to assume I have a destiny. I told no one but somehow even as a child I was already an adult. There was not a moment in childhood outside games that I ever thought or felt like a child. I was weary, convinced that I have seen all this before, that I have lived many lives on this Earth. On the outside I acted like a normal kid but I had secrets. As I got older, the voice became quieter until it stopped. To be different - truly different, forlorn, "homeless amongst family and friends" that really hurt. To be different than was not to be better than, though there was also a part of me that took pride in who I was. But even now, I struggle not to tear up because of this, because of this sense of being abandoned or lost in a world that does not feel like home, does not feel "mine" in any sense of the word.

And yet, despite this ephemeral self, whose substance is like a dream, I am free. And I find it odd when I see other people, average people, actually everyone I know, identify themselves with labels and tribes and ideologies and communities. Like how white European nationalist scream about Christian traditions and values being inherent to our culture, without stopping to think Christianity was imported from the Middle East and was spread throughout the Roman Empire thanks to Constantine's conversion. The so-called Western values are mostly based on Roman and Hellenic structures that predate Christianity. True nationalism is reviving pagan gods, everything else is sectarian rhetoric and pure tribalism... When I consider Christianity, I consider it as a whole - the histories, the peoples, cultures, the geographies. When I consider Christianity as a faith or a way of life, I keep my views as close as I can to the early Church. The many saints who were ascetics, former slaves, even nobles who gave up their riches to join the monastic life of prayer, meditation and service, many of whom were also animal lovers and vegetarians (St. Kevin, for example, who had a mostly plant-based diet). Very different from the Christians of today, except perhaps Eastern Orthodox priests, some of whom live in the remotest parts of Russia. Orthodox denomination is the one that most closely resembles the early Church before the schism. I like them a lot. I do not think about Europe or Christian holidays like Christmas and Easter, all of which were appropriated from pagan festivities. Christianity and white European identity & comservative values are not even in the same dimension to me. That's why whenever I have actually prayed to God, even as a child, I had a very very distinct sense that I was not praying to the same God all other Christians were. I felt like me and the universe had a little secret between ourselves.

That's why Gnosticism connected to me so strongly when I started studying it. But it went a little too far, it feeds into fears and anxieties of the most painful kind. Even reincarnation becomes not a path to spiritual refinement and karmic lessons to lead to eventual Nirvana as the Buddhists and Hindus believe, but to Gnostics reincarnation is a trap for the soul - a sinister recycling of souls locked far away from God who may or may not hear our plight. Gnosticism feels real because it is easier to believe in evil, loneliness and suffering as the default state of existence itself. Confronting existential pain and claiming it to be the ultimate truth might feel both liberating and horrifying - which is also what Gnostics write about. If the truth of life does not horrify you and fill you with despair, it is not the truth but a deception. But what I fear that does is validate existential dread without offering any guidance or moral values - the biggest criticism that Gnostics ever faced in their early history and continue to face into the modern era. How can you live a good life if you see yourself as a slave trapped in an evil universe presided over by a false god? What values can there be when the only salvation is in total isolation, asceticism, celibacy or even suicide? I once had a vivid dream filled with Hindu gods where I was told that a far greater deception is the perception that we are not already in Heaven. I was told that bliss is right here and that pleasure, not suffering, is the meaning of human life. Whether true or not, that alone can give rise to many ideas, thoughts, actions with moral values and alignments. This year I made it a conscious decision to align myself with peace. I may not be perfect but I have noticed myself think twice before reacting first. I sit with my feelings, process them, scrutinise their origin - is it ego? Or is it the soul? Is it valid or ignorant? Having a positive value to align with is better than believing you're God's punchbag and making a shield of stoicism out of your victimhood.

So why is it that I, unsure of who I am, do not attach myself to anything or anyone?

And yet, I do. I do attach, and it is a bit frightening when it happens, it's like being struck by lightning. It can be overwhelming, but I am being brave about it and moving forward with the kind of faith that could rival the most devout nun. There is less a sense of identifying with something solid and more like surrender to something that you're already flowing with. I believe there are energy streams, actual paths our consciousness can travel. Something like what was depicted in Donny Darko - these tunnels of energy that shoot out from the center of your body before you decide to get up and go somewhere. When a piece of art, music, literature, film etc. connects so hard to you you feel like it was written for you, or even by you in some abstract sense, because the things expressed are so particular to your innermost thoughts and feelings, the way you have never before seen... And it's not just that. It can also be places. Going to a foreign city or country and being awestruck by the strangest sense of belonging, wondering why the hell you were born somewhere totally different. Why your hometown has never felt like home despite all the memories and experiences you've had. And it can be a person. A person you have never met, like a historical figure, or someone you know. In their presence there is something real and rare. It's not that you don't like other people or can't connect to them. You can love and hate and feel strongly but there is always something missing, something deep that you cannot name. But a few times in your life, quite unexpectedly, you will meet someone with whom you feel an uncanny connection. They have that something you cannot name, and what's even more amazing, is it is mutual. You know these aren't just words - you feel it. It is something you just know will never go away. This kind of connection can feel very intense and it is imperative to handle it gently and carefully, depending on the context. I say this more about myself because the instinct to completely identify myself with a real human connection is overwhelming. It's amazing, the force with which it takes over. But the most amazing thing is that I do not lose myself - I find myself. I become deeply certain, brave, motivated, inspired. A lot happens and it can be great but this state is also very unstable. It requires an enormous amount of self-control and self-awareness. There is a strong tendency to delusion and fantasy and projection. I have no idea what my center is, how I have not been swept away by a cult, a psychotic partner, schizophrenia or some other nonsense. I actually think it's remarkable I have made this far without ruining my life or my body, no unhappy children, no addictions or dependencies. It's just me and my thoughts and vivid dreams. Progress & improvement goes at a snail's pace but I thank God I'm not going backward, not falling behind, not feeling pressured as if I'm running out of time (I used to feel like that in my early 20s, like I was gonna die soon). 

I guess what I am saying overall is... along with peace, I want to invoke faith into my life. Not fantasy, not delusion, not ignorance. But trust in that quiet, inner voice I have denied so many times before. The voice that I can't hear when I'm anxious or overwhelmed or too excited. That voice is faith itself, because the things it has always told me were so strange and mysterious... I want to believe that things will be alright, to move like it already is, even if it might not be. Even if disaster is immanent, having faith is being stubborn in the belief that every single thing that happens will work out in your favour. It's all good.
There is something beyond identity. It's the soul. And it's the only thing that matters in the end. And when I love you, that is what I love.