A Dirty Girl
Sep. 30th, 2021 08:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dreamingwithfairiesI can't focus on anything else until I get this out of my system, and I have an exam coming up tomorrow.
I don't even know how to explain what it is I want to say, but it connects with everything else I've written about. Love, higher purpose, all that.
Well, I've figured out one thing.
Part of what motivates me in life is this feeling I've had since I was small, perhaps since I was born, but it's my entire life. When I was younger, I believed that by my late 20s I will have figured it out. The real torture was in my teens and early 20s, when I realized that I hadn't figured this out... What I'm talking about is the feeling that my life is a dream, and that I have to remember who I really am, and in a sense "wake up" or turn that vision I have into reality. Sounds mystical enough.
That part I understand, but I can't help but feel there's another side to it.
As I've mentioned before, I'm dissatisfied by the idea that I was born and exist for my own personal reasons, like fulfilling my potential, making my dreams come true etc.
I have been given (or was born with, or developed) talents, gifts, intellect and passion for various things. I can't help but believe that these gifts are meant to be given away, to be of service to the world, to the community. I look at the world around me and I want to set in on fire, in the inspiration non-anarchic sense of the word. I want to be the change I wish to see in the world, as corny as that sounds. I can't help but feel there's this void in society, in the world, and that I am meant to fill that void somehow. It's a curious realization. If not me, then who? If nobody will do it, I must.
And yet, I don't know what I'm talking about.
My main frustration comes from belief... beliefs. There are many. Every person has one, or lack thereof. Beliefs guide actions, as well as tastes, and connection to the world.
I feel like I'm at a gift shop or something and there are many different statues or icons of different gods from different religions, and I only have enough money to pick one or two.
And this feels wrong. Having to pick a system of beliefs and discard all the rest just feels weird.
I've already kind of established that I am not necessarily searching for truth about reality and existence. Not at this time in my life. If that were the case, my approach would be very different. What I am looking for is... A house of sorts, I guess. A metaphysical holy place I can house my heart in for a while. Something to help me connect with the world in a peaceful, detached, balanced way. Something to give me the courage to love, and courage in general. Something to keep inner peace, I suppose. Something that will make it easier for me to achieve my goals, for myself and for others. So, not the truth, merely a tool, or an aspect loosely related to truth. I already feel that my destiny has to do with battling evil - a concept which has all but disappeared in modern society - evil. But to place myself on the other side, whatever it is, will make things more difficult and painful. I want to me like natural element, not a human.
I thought about creating my own belief system. However, my own belief system - the purpose of it - is search for truth. Not only truth, but other things such as healing, change, grounding, spiritual resistance to certain aspects of society and culture...
And so I don't know what to do here.
I don't even know what I'm saying.
But my heart needs a home, and I am ready to love, but my courage can only be founded in belief.
And anyway - how does one even CREATE a belief system?
But my belief system is not even about religion as such. My focus is on movement. I am inspired by movement such as the Romantics, but also subcultures. Writers, artists, musicians. Idealists who are for the most part dead and gone, and sometimes even entirely misunderstood and corrupted by popular culture. If you watch Dirty Girls, you'll get the gist of what I am trying to convey. It starts from something pure and organic, and then it trickles outwards. It faces ridicule, and also copycats... There hasn't been any meaningful movement in many years, not since emo (which I was not a part of, and in itself is moreso at the end of the line of a dark punk/alternative/goth family heritage).
I don't know and I am FRUSTRATED.
I have so many ideas.
Maybe it really does start from myself, as most things do.
I have to become a representative of my ideal. The Messiah of it. The reflection of my ideal. I must become that. The way Tyler Durden was the alter-ego of the Narrator. Maybe not like that. Maybe like that.
I want to introduce an ideal, I want to express a vision.
But things change and shift. Sometimes what I wanted a year ago I do not necessarily want this year.
It's all so messy.
I believe in God, and God will show me what to do.
I don't even know how to explain what it is I want to say, but it connects with everything else I've written about. Love, higher purpose, all that.
Well, I've figured out one thing.
Part of what motivates me in life is this feeling I've had since I was small, perhaps since I was born, but it's my entire life. When I was younger, I believed that by my late 20s I will have figured it out. The real torture was in my teens and early 20s, when I realized that I hadn't figured this out... What I'm talking about is the feeling that my life is a dream, and that I have to remember who I really am, and in a sense "wake up" or turn that vision I have into reality. Sounds mystical enough.
That part I understand, but I can't help but feel there's another side to it.
As I've mentioned before, I'm dissatisfied by the idea that I was born and exist for my own personal reasons, like fulfilling my potential, making my dreams come true etc.
I have been given (or was born with, or developed) talents, gifts, intellect and passion for various things. I can't help but believe that these gifts are meant to be given away, to be of service to the world, to the community. I look at the world around me and I want to set in on fire, in the inspiration non-anarchic sense of the word. I want to be the change I wish to see in the world, as corny as that sounds. I can't help but feel there's this void in society, in the world, and that I am meant to fill that void somehow. It's a curious realization. If not me, then who? If nobody will do it, I must.
And yet, I don't know what I'm talking about.
My main frustration comes from belief... beliefs. There are many. Every person has one, or lack thereof. Beliefs guide actions, as well as tastes, and connection to the world.
I feel like I'm at a gift shop or something and there are many different statues or icons of different gods from different religions, and I only have enough money to pick one or two.
And this feels wrong. Having to pick a system of beliefs and discard all the rest just feels weird.
I've already kind of established that I am not necessarily searching for truth about reality and existence. Not at this time in my life. If that were the case, my approach would be very different. What I am looking for is... A house of sorts, I guess. A metaphysical holy place I can house my heart in for a while. Something to help me connect with the world in a peaceful, detached, balanced way. Something to give me the courage to love, and courage in general. Something to keep inner peace, I suppose. Something that will make it easier for me to achieve my goals, for myself and for others. So, not the truth, merely a tool, or an aspect loosely related to truth. I already feel that my destiny has to do with battling evil - a concept which has all but disappeared in modern society - evil. But to place myself on the other side, whatever it is, will make things more difficult and painful. I want to me like natural element, not a human.
I thought about creating my own belief system. However, my own belief system - the purpose of it - is search for truth. Not only truth, but other things such as healing, change, grounding, spiritual resistance to certain aspects of society and culture...
And so I don't know what to do here.
I don't even know what I'm saying.
But my heart needs a home, and I am ready to love, but my courage can only be founded in belief.
And anyway - how does one even CREATE a belief system?
But my belief system is not even about religion as such. My focus is on movement. I am inspired by movement such as the Romantics, but also subcultures. Writers, artists, musicians. Idealists who are for the most part dead and gone, and sometimes even entirely misunderstood and corrupted by popular culture. If you watch Dirty Girls, you'll get the gist of what I am trying to convey. It starts from something pure and organic, and then it trickles outwards. It faces ridicule, and also copycats... There hasn't been any meaningful movement in many years, not since emo (which I was not a part of, and in itself is moreso at the end of the line of a dark punk/alternative/goth family heritage).
I don't know and I am FRUSTRATED.
I have so many ideas.
Maybe it really does start from myself, as most things do.
I have to become a representative of my ideal. The Messiah of it. The reflection of my ideal. I must become that. The way Tyler Durden was the alter-ego of the Narrator. Maybe not like that. Maybe like that.
I want to introduce an ideal, I want to express a vision.
But things change and shift. Sometimes what I wanted a year ago I do not necessarily want this year.
It's all so messy.
I believe in God, and God will show me what to do.
Tags:
