Like A Pisces When I'm Weak
Oct. 2nd, 2021 11:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dreamingwithfairiesRecovering from depression is a funny thing, and you never hear anyone talking about it. At least, I never have. Everyone's different, I guess. But the way people talk about depression in society is as if it's a mental disability, something you have to struggle with for the rest of your life. Sure, there are different types of depression, and some do go away. But I think I just had the typical one, which began in my teens. I didn't use any medication. I went to counseling once or twice, I tried different things. But I never took medication.
I think I started to get better in January of 2016, but when you have depression, time is blurred, so I can't be sure, but I remember it as the time of year David Bowie died. It was a year or two before we moved to a new town.
I saw my father, whom I haven't seen since I was little. It was rough but it helped immensely. Over the past few years I guess my journey has been mostly to do with accepting and letting go of things.
I still get depressed, of course, but I am in a state of mind now where it's less than before. It's a gradual thing, like healing a wound or a broken bone (I've never broken a bone). It's about learning from mistakes but more than that it's about doing things differently, which sounds kind of vague, but a large part of my depression had to do with stagnation, going in circles, boredom, situations repeating over and over... I suppose for most of my life I felt like something big was going to happen in 2020 (and it did) and generally I always felt like I'm preparing for something. Going to a palm reader also had something to do with it. I had this warped idealization of my future, like I was there already, but none of my decisions made sense or made me happy, and I felt like I was chasing after an impossible dream. Everything always felt wrong, and that disappointment and that fantasy also played a part in my depression.
I'm in my mid-20s but I am only now starting to feel like an adult, making decisions I've never done before. Today I pierced my ears, beyond the standard first piercing. Most teens have multiple piercings in their ears, and I wanted to as well, but I waited. I used to have bad hygiene as a result. I was forgetful. I knew I wouldn't be able to take care of such a basic thing as a piercing. There are other things too. Finishing what I started is a massive thing to me. I recently got an Adobe Professional certificate which I studied for a few months. I still don't have a driver's license, so that's my next goal. I am also happy about the town I live in. There are no negative memories here. By the time I moved here, my path to recovery had already started. None of the people I knew over the years are here. It's further from the city, something about it feels rather secluded. Tourists come here to check out the historic jail, the castle ruins, the ancient abbey. It's peaceful enough here. People leave their doors unlocked. It was strange when I went to Dublin two weeks ago for the first time since the pandemic. I used to love the city. My entire life I loved the city and considered myself a city person, because that's where I was born and spent my childhood. But it had no emotional hold on me anymore. When I came home to my little town, I felt relief. The relief of familiarity... It was an entirely new experience for me. Only once have I felt at home anywhere, and that was in childhood days... Now I know that whatever happens, wherever I may go one day (this is a temporary stay) I will see this town in my dreams, just as the places from childhood. Novelty is healing. This town was new to me and facilitated my healing. To live so near the sea is a blessing. I will always want to be near it, but I dream of the Atlantic Ocean more than the Irish Sea. I would like to take a year sometime in the near future, once I have my driver's license, and drive around the west coast of Ireland. I've been to Kerry before, as well as to Sligo, Galway and Mayo. I feel like that's where my heart is. That's where I want to be. Something about the west coast feels so much more wild, more mystical, more... Irish. Celtic. I remember the way it felt. I went by car and also by train. With the train, you could see ancient stone circles dotting the hills in the countryside... I went to a place called Delphi, pretty much just before my depression started, with my class when I was about 15 or 16. It left a deep impression on me, and it remains the most beautiful place I've ever been to... In fact, it's so secluded that there's no phone reception. Maybe there is now - this was ten years ago. But if you wanted to make a phone call via cell, you'd have to stand on a specific rock outside the hotel... There's so much more I could say. Just look it up on Google Street View. It's in Connemara. I believe it's near a Gaeltacht area - one of the few pockets in Ireland where the FIRST language is Irish. Irish students have to travel there with their classes in order to learn Irish better, because some people there don't speak English (or have poor English) it's fascinating, but I've never been to one of these areas myself...
I'm also starting to take my fashion more seriously.
I've spent the last year or so gathering images of everything, from clothes, to hair, to make up. There are so many BASIC female things I don't know how to do (never asked my mum, plus we're very different people).
It's amazing how much my life has totally stopped because of depression. Everything has stunted. Even my appearance - I often have people tell me I look much younger than 26, even with make up. I mean they're shocked. I've even had 19 year olds gasp. I must've not aged since I was 16, haha. I don't care about it, but it's funny nevertheless.
So many things that the majority of people have done in their teens and early twenties, I'm only getting to do now. But I'm not sad about it. I believe that I made the right thing by putting everything on hold the way I did, and showing the caution I did. It means I hurt a lot less people than I would have, and I have a lot less regrets. It's not to late either. I'm back in classes now. I have a chance to prove myself... If I can get distinctions in all of my classes, I can get into the college I always wanted to go. Trinity College was my first choice when I made my applications way back when. But I already had my depression by then, and while I did well enough in my exams, it wasn't enough for Trinity (most students in Ireland on this side of the island prefer UCD to Trinity, though Trinity is considered superior, like an Irish Oxford, it is also considered pretentious and intimidating, like rich smart people go there or something, it's a popular tourist attraction as well... UCD meanwhile is very modern and multicultural. They are rival colleges, and the rivalry goes back a long time. That's where I went to and dropped out from, and it might be my second choice still - just to finish the course I dropped). Anyways. Now that I am on the lighter side of things, or at least a more neutral one, I have no one and nothing to blame anymore for what happens from now on. I can't say it's depression anymore, it's all up to me. That kind thing is also new to me. When I should have gone independent, I was held back by a mental illness.
I recently thought about getting in touch with a counselor, because I can afford it, and I do have this fear that things only seem good now because they always seem good at the start, at least for me. I am aware that I may dip again. I may become overwhelmed. Although I am surrounded by supportive people now, it's not emotional support I need. I need practical solutions and an objective opinion on what's going on. I prefer to appear strong in front of people who actually know me, and only show vulnerability when it helps them to see it (like relating to people etc.). I have a very deep and complex mind and I feel like I can only talk to someone who knows psychology, so that they could understand what my needs actually are. My grandmother likes to talk about it, but she doesn't understand what it means to be an introvert, and beyond that, what a strong preference for solitude means. She thinks people MUST have human communication. Most people do, it's true, but I am much happier and healthier without it... The year that I spent totally alone and isolated in 2019 were the happiest times of my life, and I did some major healing in those months. I talked only a few times to assure family I was fine. I felt like I was truly myself for the first time in my life... To be totally alone, to be left alone, is vital to my sanity. It's more important than food - as I was starving by that time. I went for over a month surviving only on water and sugar. I didn't even have internet for those months - I cut it off, and used the library if I really needed to. And I was so happy and excited and alive... This is the kind of person I am. If I were to live by myself anywhere, it would have to be at a secluded spot. Not a town or a city or even a village. Maybe an island. Though that's a bit dangerous... I don't want to be so far away that I couldn't get a fire brigade or electricity (I can do without lamps and the computer and such, but I don't like the thought of having to wash my clothes by hand or dealing with the cold). I don't know if I should see the counsellor, it is quite expensive. I already wrote an email message a couple of weeks ago, but she either didn't see it or the email was changed, because I got no reply... I don't want to waste more money just talking about stuff. But I've had nobody to talk to since the depths of my depression. It's been several years. I use this journal as more or less a substitute. I am my own psychologist and counsellor. But I think there are limits to how much I can help myself... Do I need help? Not right now but I can't help but feel I will need it soon. Mainly because of what I just said. About people, being around them every day for hours. Not just that but... Making friends. Relationships. I couldn't even know where to begin. I'm not afraid of approaching people and I am quite confident and good at communication, but I'm afraid I might not be a good judge of character. My desire for friendship clouds my judgement. Not only that but I have high standards. And I just. Don't know. The biggest mistakes I've made during my depression are almost all of them related to friendships. My deepest pains and fuel for the depression have been an inability to relate to my peers or young people in general. I've met some intelligent people but I just can't relate to them. And I tried so goddamn hard, I really did... I don't even know if I WANT friends. I don't even know if I understand what that means. I guess I'm talking about close friends, not just any friends. But beyond that an even deeper issue is romance and sexuality. I think I need help with these. Maybe.
Pets are so much better than human friends.
I think I'll get two fish for my birthday instead of a rabbit. I still don't trust myself with a rabbit, and I still haven't gotten over the death of my favourite cat in the world. All the pets I ever had died before their time, so I don't even know what it means to have a pet who dies of old age. I'll get some fish and take care of them. Maybe that will help me believe that friendship can last and also that friendships need constant care and gentleness and that things take time...
I think I started to get better in January of 2016, but when you have depression, time is blurred, so I can't be sure, but I remember it as the time of year David Bowie died. It was a year or two before we moved to a new town.
I saw my father, whom I haven't seen since I was little. It was rough but it helped immensely. Over the past few years I guess my journey has been mostly to do with accepting and letting go of things.
I still get depressed, of course, but I am in a state of mind now where it's less than before. It's a gradual thing, like healing a wound or a broken bone (I've never broken a bone). It's about learning from mistakes but more than that it's about doing things differently, which sounds kind of vague, but a large part of my depression had to do with stagnation, going in circles, boredom, situations repeating over and over... I suppose for most of my life I felt like something big was going to happen in 2020 (and it did) and generally I always felt like I'm preparing for something. Going to a palm reader also had something to do with it. I had this warped idealization of my future, like I was there already, but none of my decisions made sense or made me happy, and I felt like I was chasing after an impossible dream. Everything always felt wrong, and that disappointment and that fantasy also played a part in my depression.
I'm in my mid-20s but I am only now starting to feel like an adult, making decisions I've never done before. Today I pierced my ears, beyond the standard first piercing. Most teens have multiple piercings in their ears, and I wanted to as well, but I waited. I used to have bad hygiene as a result. I was forgetful. I knew I wouldn't be able to take care of such a basic thing as a piercing. There are other things too. Finishing what I started is a massive thing to me. I recently got an Adobe Professional certificate which I studied for a few months. I still don't have a driver's license, so that's my next goal. I am also happy about the town I live in. There are no negative memories here. By the time I moved here, my path to recovery had already started. None of the people I knew over the years are here. It's further from the city, something about it feels rather secluded. Tourists come here to check out the historic jail, the castle ruins, the ancient abbey. It's peaceful enough here. People leave their doors unlocked. It was strange when I went to Dublin two weeks ago for the first time since the pandemic. I used to love the city. My entire life I loved the city and considered myself a city person, because that's where I was born and spent my childhood. But it had no emotional hold on me anymore. When I came home to my little town, I felt relief. The relief of familiarity... It was an entirely new experience for me. Only once have I felt at home anywhere, and that was in childhood days... Now I know that whatever happens, wherever I may go one day (this is a temporary stay) I will see this town in my dreams, just as the places from childhood. Novelty is healing. This town was new to me and facilitated my healing. To live so near the sea is a blessing. I will always want to be near it, but I dream of the Atlantic Ocean more than the Irish Sea. I would like to take a year sometime in the near future, once I have my driver's license, and drive around the west coast of Ireland. I've been to Kerry before, as well as to Sligo, Galway and Mayo. I feel like that's where my heart is. That's where I want to be. Something about the west coast feels so much more wild, more mystical, more... Irish. Celtic. I remember the way it felt. I went by car and also by train. With the train, you could see ancient stone circles dotting the hills in the countryside... I went to a place called Delphi, pretty much just before my depression started, with my class when I was about 15 or 16. It left a deep impression on me, and it remains the most beautiful place I've ever been to... In fact, it's so secluded that there's no phone reception. Maybe there is now - this was ten years ago. But if you wanted to make a phone call via cell, you'd have to stand on a specific rock outside the hotel... There's so much more I could say. Just look it up on Google Street View. It's in Connemara. I believe it's near a Gaeltacht area - one of the few pockets in Ireland where the FIRST language is Irish. Irish students have to travel there with their classes in order to learn Irish better, because some people there don't speak English (or have poor English) it's fascinating, but I've never been to one of these areas myself...
I'm also starting to take my fashion more seriously.
I've spent the last year or so gathering images of everything, from clothes, to hair, to make up. There are so many BASIC female things I don't know how to do (never asked my mum, plus we're very different people).
It's amazing how much my life has totally stopped because of depression. Everything has stunted. Even my appearance - I often have people tell me I look much younger than 26, even with make up. I mean they're shocked. I've even had 19 year olds gasp. I must've not aged since I was 16, haha. I don't care about it, but it's funny nevertheless.
So many things that the majority of people have done in their teens and early twenties, I'm only getting to do now. But I'm not sad about it. I believe that I made the right thing by putting everything on hold the way I did, and showing the caution I did. It means I hurt a lot less people than I would have, and I have a lot less regrets. It's not to late either. I'm back in classes now. I have a chance to prove myself... If I can get distinctions in all of my classes, I can get into the college I always wanted to go. Trinity College was my first choice when I made my applications way back when. But I already had my depression by then, and while I did well enough in my exams, it wasn't enough for Trinity (most students in Ireland on this side of the island prefer UCD to Trinity, though Trinity is considered superior, like an Irish Oxford, it is also considered pretentious and intimidating, like rich smart people go there or something, it's a popular tourist attraction as well... UCD meanwhile is very modern and multicultural. They are rival colleges, and the rivalry goes back a long time. That's where I went to and dropped out from, and it might be my second choice still - just to finish the course I dropped). Anyways. Now that I am on the lighter side of things, or at least a more neutral one, I have no one and nothing to blame anymore for what happens from now on. I can't say it's depression anymore, it's all up to me. That kind thing is also new to me. When I should have gone independent, I was held back by a mental illness.
I recently thought about getting in touch with a counselor, because I can afford it, and I do have this fear that things only seem good now because they always seem good at the start, at least for me. I am aware that I may dip again. I may become overwhelmed. Although I am surrounded by supportive people now, it's not emotional support I need. I need practical solutions and an objective opinion on what's going on. I prefer to appear strong in front of people who actually know me, and only show vulnerability when it helps them to see it (like relating to people etc.). I have a very deep and complex mind and I feel like I can only talk to someone who knows psychology, so that they could understand what my needs actually are. My grandmother likes to talk about it, but she doesn't understand what it means to be an introvert, and beyond that, what a strong preference for solitude means. She thinks people MUST have human communication. Most people do, it's true, but I am much happier and healthier without it... The year that I spent totally alone and isolated in 2019 were the happiest times of my life, and I did some major healing in those months. I talked only a few times to assure family I was fine. I felt like I was truly myself for the first time in my life... To be totally alone, to be left alone, is vital to my sanity. It's more important than food - as I was starving by that time. I went for over a month surviving only on water and sugar. I didn't even have internet for those months - I cut it off, and used the library if I really needed to. And I was so happy and excited and alive... This is the kind of person I am. If I were to live by myself anywhere, it would have to be at a secluded spot. Not a town or a city or even a village. Maybe an island. Though that's a bit dangerous... I don't want to be so far away that I couldn't get a fire brigade or electricity (I can do without lamps and the computer and such, but I don't like the thought of having to wash my clothes by hand or dealing with the cold). I don't know if I should see the counsellor, it is quite expensive. I already wrote an email message a couple of weeks ago, but she either didn't see it or the email was changed, because I got no reply... I don't want to waste more money just talking about stuff. But I've had nobody to talk to since the depths of my depression. It's been several years. I use this journal as more or less a substitute. I am my own psychologist and counsellor. But I think there are limits to how much I can help myself... Do I need help? Not right now but I can't help but feel I will need it soon. Mainly because of what I just said. About people, being around them every day for hours. Not just that but... Making friends. Relationships. I couldn't even know where to begin. I'm not afraid of approaching people and I am quite confident and good at communication, but I'm afraid I might not be a good judge of character. My desire for friendship clouds my judgement. Not only that but I have high standards. And I just. Don't know. The biggest mistakes I've made during my depression are almost all of them related to friendships. My deepest pains and fuel for the depression have been an inability to relate to my peers or young people in general. I've met some intelligent people but I just can't relate to them. And I tried so goddamn hard, I really did... I don't even know if I WANT friends. I don't even know if I understand what that means. I guess I'm talking about close friends, not just any friends. But beyond that an even deeper issue is romance and sexuality. I think I need help with these. Maybe.
Pets are so much better than human friends.
I think I'll get two fish for my birthday instead of a rabbit. I still don't trust myself with a rabbit, and I still haven't gotten over the death of my favourite cat in the world. All the pets I ever had died before their time, so I don't even know what it means to have a pet who dies of old age. I'll get some fish and take care of them. Maybe that will help me believe that friendship can last and also that friendships need constant care and gentleness and that things take time...
