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dreamingwithfairiesFinding balance and a sense of order - according to whom?
I just don’t know what to do with my sleep cycle. I either want to sleep all the time or not at all, and when I do want to go to sleep from tiredness, it happens so unpredictably and can be so easily fixed by caffeine that I just don’t know anymore. I thought I had it figured out... But I could stay awake indefinitely and that makes me feel like I’m playing with my health too much.
Maybe the only way to figure it out is to cut caffeine out totally, but I've had sleep problems since childhood. I love to sleep during the day, and be awake at night, up to the early morning. Daytime suffocates me and if it were up to me, I'd go out at night, and stay in during the day.
Or, I wonder, if I could stay awake 6 days of the week - Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday - and sleep the entirety of one - Friday.
I just missed a day of class because I went to sleep and was unable to wake up. It's very embarrassing, and the only way I can ever be on time anywhere is by not sleeping. Otherwise I cannot resist the pull of sleep after only a few hours, I am weak-willed that way. But I am not interested in forcing myself to fit the system. I've already tried - the whole going to sleep at 10:30pm and waking up at any time in the morning as required. And I was absolutely miserable. I didn't even feel like myself, and I did everything I could to sleep well. I meditated, I drank relaxing teas, I listened to music. Whatever. I just can't fit into the system, and my own body is sending me mixed messages sometimes. But I don't get tired in the normal way that usually follows sleep-deprivation. I am far more awake, focused and energized when I should be sleep-deprived.
So I'll do one more experiment, though I am busy on Friday, so I will not have time to sleep then... Maybe I'll try to sleep like a normal person sometimes... Last night I didn't go to sleep because I wanted to, but because I felt I had to. And that didn't work. I am so embarrassed.
It's just hard. I can't fit into the normal biological human system of doing things. I am compelled to do things my way, the way that feels right, while also trying not to conflict too much with the society I live in. That's where the struggle is. When I try to be a normal person I feel like a shell of who I am, a zombie. I have to do things my way. I have to defy the order.
I probably won't even be able to die like a normal human, when the time comes.
I just don’t know what to do with my sleep cycle. I either want to sleep all the time or not at all, and when I do want to go to sleep from tiredness, it happens so unpredictably and can be so easily fixed by caffeine that I just don’t know anymore. I thought I had it figured out... But I could stay awake indefinitely and that makes me feel like I’m playing with my health too much.
Maybe the only way to figure it out is to cut caffeine out totally, but I've had sleep problems since childhood. I love to sleep during the day, and be awake at night, up to the early morning. Daytime suffocates me and if it were up to me, I'd go out at night, and stay in during the day.
Or, I wonder, if I could stay awake 6 days of the week - Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday - and sleep the entirety of one - Friday.
I just missed a day of class because I went to sleep and was unable to wake up. It's very embarrassing, and the only way I can ever be on time anywhere is by not sleeping. Otherwise I cannot resist the pull of sleep after only a few hours, I am weak-willed that way. But I am not interested in forcing myself to fit the system. I've already tried - the whole going to sleep at 10:30pm and waking up at any time in the morning as required. And I was absolutely miserable. I didn't even feel like myself, and I did everything I could to sleep well. I meditated, I drank relaxing teas, I listened to music. Whatever. I just can't fit into the system, and my own body is sending me mixed messages sometimes. But I don't get tired in the normal way that usually follows sleep-deprivation. I am far more awake, focused and energized when I should be sleep-deprived.
So I'll do one more experiment, though I am busy on Friday, so I will not have time to sleep then... Maybe I'll try to sleep like a normal person sometimes... Last night I didn't go to sleep because I wanted to, but because I felt I had to. And that didn't work. I am so embarrassed.
It's just hard. I can't fit into the normal biological human system of doing things. I am compelled to do things my way, the way that feels right, while also trying not to conflict too much with the society I live in. That's where the struggle is. When I try to be a normal person I feel like a shell of who I am, a zombie. I have to do things my way. I have to defy the order.
I probably won't even be able to die like a normal human, when the time comes.
