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Oct. 13th, 2021 01:56 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dreamingwithfairiesSpending my 20s gradually peeling off the carefully-constructed mask I’ve developed in my teens.
It will not do to separate oneself from human society and believe oneself to be an accurate judge of it. Objectivity alone is not enough. The entertainer is ironically the one blessed with the quality of being totally part of society, a mediator, and an outsider due to his or her elevated status above the masses... Entertainment is our mirror, collectively as well as individually - we are moved by our own awareness. Maybe our entertainers, of all people, are closest to understanding the collective human condition. Not holy people or scientists or writers. But entertainers who feel it without being able to explain it. But even then, each entertainer or piece of entertainment is rarely universal, and usually speaks to a specific demographic, not the whole...
Everything happening to me right now is passing by me like a dream, but a good dream. Unfortunately, my desire is for an awakening, waiting for me at the end of this dream.
Although I consider myself an introvert, I feel differently than most introverts after spending time in public, socializing. Instead of feeling drained or overwhelmed, I feel angry. Angry and judgemental, critical, cynical. Arrogant, even. Fortunately, my energy reserves for this kind of thing are surprisingly long-lasting. I have been spending a lot of time being actively in public lately. Far more than I have been in a long time. Although I feel extremely uncomfortable with myself, my physical form, my existence, my self-expression, I enjoy observing others, talking to them, wondering about them, admiring them. I like people, and I'm lucky that I do. But I wish I liked myself too. I like myself in the metaphysical way. I like my mind. I like my ideas, my goals, and so far - my accomplishments. But I don't know why I still struggle with myself as a physical being. Throughout my life until this point I have yet to get used to it. To make these limitations and rules into power. I am ugly, and I don't know why I struggle so much with that. I want to find a balance between all levels of being, but it is the physical I struggle with the most. Probably because I had no use for it in a long time, I have always more or less devalued the material world. It's draining. But more than that... It feels safe to be a unique individual in my mind, in my art. It feels rather adventurous even to speak earnestly. But to LOOK like my true self... To dress like it, to look at my body as another form of self-expression, that is somehow the hardest. It's hardest because I fear attention. I am used to being in the background. The idea of being seen and thought about and regarded in some way... I feel that familiar ache in my gut, the ache that has an uncanny psychic ability to read people and detect their fears. If I were to look at myself, I would hate myself for being so ugly, drab, poor-looking thing. Improving and developing the physical self requires careful thought, more than any other kind of self-development, I found. I can barely even understand what I'm doing.
I hate my accent, and my handwriting. I want to change them according to my own ideal. I hate how my childlike lips move when I speak, it's not symmetrical. I dislike my nose. There are so many things people can judge by a name, by an accent, by appearance. And I have to make-up lies about it all because it's so much easier and simpler than telling the truth, because the reality is far more complex. I want to detach myself from this old person, the one created and shaped by the world, and instead to create myself and shape the world around me. Only the ideal and the transcendent is the real Self. This is Nothing. This is not I, it is a phantom, a mirage. It doesn't exist. I wish I was younger. It feels so embarrassing to be doing this at the age of 26. It's like a second adolescence... I am so slow at growing up, and it shows.
But at least I've been better able to be kind, lately. I failed once or twice, but I can see the effects of transforming thoughts and beliefs affecting my behavior and my feelings. I even think my arachnophobia is fading away. I want to treat people with respect, regardless of their age. I feel more comfortable around people twenty years or more my senior, maybe I can imagine my peers to be older, and solve my social discomfort issue.
Today I am depressed and I feel like a wisp of smoke.
But I made this:
"The ancients wanted their bodies strong and beautiful so that these bodies might be receptacles for balanced, healthy minds."
It will not do to separate oneself from human society and believe oneself to be an accurate judge of it. Objectivity alone is not enough. The entertainer is ironically the one blessed with the quality of being totally part of society, a mediator, and an outsider due to his or her elevated status above the masses... Entertainment is our mirror, collectively as well as individually - we are moved by our own awareness. Maybe our entertainers, of all people, are closest to understanding the collective human condition. Not holy people or scientists or writers. But entertainers who feel it without being able to explain it. But even then, each entertainer or piece of entertainment is rarely universal, and usually speaks to a specific demographic, not the whole...
Everything happening to me right now is passing by me like a dream, but a good dream. Unfortunately, my desire is for an awakening, waiting for me at the end of this dream.
Although I consider myself an introvert, I feel differently than most introverts after spending time in public, socializing. Instead of feeling drained or overwhelmed, I feel angry. Angry and judgemental, critical, cynical. Arrogant, even. Fortunately, my energy reserves for this kind of thing are surprisingly long-lasting. I have been spending a lot of time being actively in public lately. Far more than I have been in a long time. Although I feel extremely uncomfortable with myself, my physical form, my existence, my self-expression, I enjoy observing others, talking to them, wondering about them, admiring them. I like people, and I'm lucky that I do. But I wish I liked myself too. I like myself in the metaphysical way. I like my mind. I like my ideas, my goals, and so far - my accomplishments. But I don't know why I still struggle with myself as a physical being. Throughout my life until this point I have yet to get used to it. To make these limitations and rules into power. I am ugly, and I don't know why I struggle so much with that. I want to find a balance between all levels of being, but it is the physical I struggle with the most. Probably because I had no use for it in a long time, I have always more or less devalued the material world. It's draining. But more than that... It feels safe to be a unique individual in my mind, in my art. It feels rather adventurous even to speak earnestly. But to LOOK like my true self... To dress like it, to look at my body as another form of self-expression, that is somehow the hardest. It's hardest because I fear attention. I am used to being in the background. The idea of being seen and thought about and regarded in some way... I feel that familiar ache in my gut, the ache that has an uncanny psychic ability to read people and detect their fears. If I were to look at myself, I would hate myself for being so ugly, drab, poor-looking thing. Improving and developing the physical self requires careful thought, more than any other kind of self-development, I found. I can barely even understand what I'm doing.
I hate my accent, and my handwriting. I want to change them according to my own ideal. I hate how my childlike lips move when I speak, it's not symmetrical. I dislike my nose. There are so many things people can judge by a name, by an accent, by appearance. And I have to make-up lies about it all because it's so much easier and simpler than telling the truth, because the reality is far more complex. I want to detach myself from this old person, the one created and shaped by the world, and instead to create myself and shape the world around me. Only the ideal and the transcendent is the real Self. This is Nothing. This is not I, it is a phantom, a mirage. It doesn't exist. I wish I was younger. It feels so embarrassing to be doing this at the age of 26. It's like a second adolescence... I am so slow at growing up, and it shows.
But at least I've been better able to be kind, lately. I failed once or twice, but I can see the effects of transforming thoughts and beliefs affecting my behavior and my feelings. I even think my arachnophobia is fading away. I want to treat people with respect, regardless of their age. I feel more comfortable around people twenty years or more my senior, maybe I can imagine my peers to be older, and solve my social discomfort issue.
Today I am depressed and I feel like a wisp of smoke.
But I made this:
"The ancients wanted their bodies strong and beautiful so that these bodies might be receptacles for balanced, healthy minds."
