I used to dream of love as a machine
Oct. 30th, 2021 05:58 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dreamingwithfairiesI feel like I've stepped over some kind of threshold.
The sun of wanting to be someone else is setting, and the moon of weird girl is rising.
I don't know where it started. The stars aligned, I suppose, sometime this week, but specifically the 28th and the 29th of October. It's the 30th today, and I just got another dose of realization, so I suppose it's still going on. It's around 6am, who knows what else the day will bring, but here's what happened so far:
I think it started with the Covid-19 vaccine (the first dose) I received on Thursday.
(And yes, I realise that I haven't written on here as much as in previous weeks, but I suppose I was genuinely busy, but also because I use this specific journal/diary for mostly "deeper" topics, thoughts that I can't get out of my head any other way. I refrain from talking about things I'm content with or things I'm working on, they occupy a quieter part of my brain, I guess.)
The vaccine was kind of a big deal. I avoided thinking about Covid-19 since the pandemic started. I didn't want to get into conspiracy theories. I dabbled a little bit, and it just confused me. I waited and I watched the situation. My family (or what there is of one) are all antivaxers. I can't quite explain how I decided to get the jab eventually, but it's mostly based on my personal observation, filtering out conspiracy theories and opinions in the family, I judged based on what I saw and experienced first-hand. I determined that Covid-19 is a real danger, and the vaccine is a good thing. Where I live in Ireland, vaccination is largely not imposed, merely encouraged, and no one judges you for it. Yet my country has the highest vaccination rate in Europe, if not the world. Aside from that, it was also my gut instinct, my intuition. I felt it was time to decide, and that my decision should be pro-vaccine. I have great respect for medicine, modern as well as traditional. Anything that saves lives, cures and protects people is a force of good in my opinion. I determined that in every scientific field, as in religious orders, there will be dissidents, even in the highest ranks. I remember when I was younger (like 14 lol) I used to be a climate sceptic. I wanted to research the other side of the man-induced global warming, and I found experts in the field supporting and also denying this. The vaccine/coronavirus debate reminded me of the same thing. Just because they're experts doesn't mean they're right, no matter which side of the argument they're on. People use facts as tools to support their own views and beliefs. I had to make up my own mind, and the only way to do that is through objective observation...
Anyways, the vaccination center I was sent to was pretty much in the middle of nowhere, in the countryside of County Wexford, which I have never been to. The rain had cleared just before I drove there, and then it was nice and mild for the rest of the day. It was beautiful. Like a second spring - spring with autumn colours. I saw beautiful views I've never seen before. I was inspired. The vaccination itself was very quick. The nurse's name was Christine. There weren't many people there. When I got home, I went for a long walk...
I could get into more detail, about how I started using a neat app called Noom, which I unintentionally found, but which is starting to change the way that I think about food. It's a health & fitness app based on individualised psychology, like a pocket fitness coach & dietitian & psychologist in one. So far it's too good to be true. I aim to lose about 20kg by April/May of 2022. I want to learn martial arts, to be fit enough to fight and protect myself. That's my Ultimate Motivation.
There were a couple of other things.
At one point the other day I was struggling with a dilemma for hours long into the night. I was listening to music and I felt disturbed. Something within my being wasn't right. I pondered on it. I slept. I awoke and pondered some more. Couldn't begin to describe what I was thinking about, but two albums I listened to liberated me, in a way. The first was "The Beauty of Sadness" by this German drone/dark ambient band called Maeror Tri. Then it was "Wings of Joy" by Cranes, which essentially changed me as a person and solved my whole dilemma.
The dilemma, as mentioned at the start, was something I discussed previously, to do with identity. It was actually an old dilemma of mine, several years old, if not longer (if we're counting unconscious years as well). I started thinking about what want to be - lowkey or edgy? What's my energetic signature? Even before then I have felt hopelessly tangled between the angel and the vampire. I knew I was some kind of hybrid. I looked outward for something to connect to. I found two or three individuals that stood out to me. I allowed myself to absorb them, to try out parts of themselves on myself. I can't really explain it, but eventually I arrived here.
I decided that it's time for me to embrace my weirdness. All the way.
I am using music as a tool to explore & express that self, for my taste to speak for itself, to speak for me in the most raw way. When it comes to art and writing, I still have a measure of self-control, but that's how I want it to be. There is something that needs to be said, some message I wish to relay. This may change over time.
To be weird is to be free.
Inevitably, this sort of thing is also connected to the spiritual side of me.
The dilemmas I've had there are in many ways similar to the ones I have/had when it comes to self-identity, which brings me to my final point (what is this, an essay? lol).
Sometimes I wonder if social media and the entertainment industry is run by actual vampires. It would explain a lot about the change in social attitudes towards demons and the like. Those who would destroy your mind and soul want you to love it when they enslave you, romanticise your dehumanisation. Children worshipping demons deluded into thinking it's free of consequences. The consequences are already obvious.
Nevertheless, I’m genuinely surprised there isn’t a major technopagan movement going on today. There’s all sorts of religious and spiritual revivals and reinterpretations, but the fact that more people aren’t unironically embracing technology and modern household items as magical in their own right kind of boggles my mind. We live in the age of smart technology, how has no one suggested these things have magical energy? The internet and the computer has played a key role in the growth of witchcraft and the occult, the enlightening of minds from ignorance, by releasing hundreds of thousands of documents and books which used to belong only to initiates and scholars of the obscure.
What if that's my calling? The spiritual one? I am cautious about smart technology, but honestly, I think I'm equally connected to technology as I am to organic nature, if not more.
There is surprisingly little information about technopaganism, though many modern witches and occultists use technology. Even myself and my friends have used MP3 players to divine fortunes, though it's not just that. Technology and nature CAN coexist, in my opinion, just as tradition and progress can. Japan is an excellent example of that. But I dream of a future where high tech societies harmoniously exist with wild nature. A spirituality, whether it's occult or pagan or monotheistic, which favours only the natural side is incomplete in my opinion. We live in an age where spiritual leaders misinterpret science, and where science has no soul. It would be a grand thing to bring the two together. I also can't help but think of Serial Experiments Lain, as well as one of my favourite films "Pulse" (Kairo).
"Notice that the internet and the computers that it serves are actually made of the materials of the Earth. They're largely made of metals, silicon, glass, copper, gold, and silver - these are the products of demonic artirface. These are the things that the Alchemists dreamed of. They transform space and time, they allow us to speak at distances oh, and they allow us to wander through libraries thousands of miles distant. They make it so that no fact is too obscure and no person so hidden that you can't reach them." - Terence McKenna
To end this entry, I want to share the most striking example of technology as a spiritual entity.
PS Even if the transhumanism conspiracy theory is legit, that doesn't mean we can't use it as a force for spiritual enlightenment. It's all about reclaiming power, and knowing how to use it...
The sun of wanting to be someone else is setting, and the moon of weird girl is rising.
I don't know where it started. The stars aligned, I suppose, sometime this week, but specifically the 28th and the 29th of October. It's the 30th today, and I just got another dose of realization, so I suppose it's still going on. It's around 6am, who knows what else the day will bring, but here's what happened so far:
I think it started with the Covid-19 vaccine (the first dose) I received on Thursday.
(And yes, I realise that I haven't written on here as much as in previous weeks, but I suppose I was genuinely busy, but also because I use this specific journal/diary for mostly "deeper" topics, thoughts that I can't get out of my head any other way. I refrain from talking about things I'm content with or things I'm working on, they occupy a quieter part of my brain, I guess.)
The vaccine was kind of a big deal. I avoided thinking about Covid-19 since the pandemic started. I didn't want to get into conspiracy theories. I dabbled a little bit, and it just confused me. I waited and I watched the situation. My family (or what there is of one) are all antivaxers. I can't quite explain how I decided to get the jab eventually, but it's mostly based on my personal observation, filtering out conspiracy theories and opinions in the family, I judged based on what I saw and experienced first-hand. I determined that Covid-19 is a real danger, and the vaccine is a good thing. Where I live in Ireland, vaccination is largely not imposed, merely encouraged, and no one judges you for it. Yet my country has the highest vaccination rate in Europe, if not the world. Aside from that, it was also my gut instinct, my intuition. I felt it was time to decide, and that my decision should be pro-vaccine. I have great respect for medicine, modern as well as traditional. Anything that saves lives, cures and protects people is a force of good in my opinion. I determined that in every scientific field, as in religious orders, there will be dissidents, even in the highest ranks. I remember when I was younger (like 14 lol) I used to be a climate sceptic. I wanted to research the other side of the man-induced global warming, and I found experts in the field supporting and also denying this. The vaccine/coronavirus debate reminded me of the same thing. Just because they're experts doesn't mean they're right, no matter which side of the argument they're on. People use facts as tools to support their own views and beliefs. I had to make up my own mind, and the only way to do that is through objective observation...
Anyways, the vaccination center I was sent to was pretty much in the middle of nowhere, in the countryside of County Wexford, which I have never been to. The rain had cleared just before I drove there, and then it was nice and mild for the rest of the day. It was beautiful. Like a second spring - spring with autumn colours. I saw beautiful views I've never seen before. I was inspired. The vaccination itself was very quick. The nurse's name was Christine. There weren't many people there. When I got home, I went for a long walk...
I could get into more detail, about how I started using a neat app called Noom, which I unintentionally found, but which is starting to change the way that I think about food. It's a health & fitness app based on individualised psychology, like a pocket fitness coach & dietitian & psychologist in one. So far it's too good to be true. I aim to lose about 20kg by April/May of 2022. I want to learn martial arts, to be fit enough to fight and protect myself. That's my Ultimate Motivation.
There were a couple of other things.
At one point the other day I was struggling with a dilemma for hours long into the night. I was listening to music and I felt disturbed. Something within my being wasn't right. I pondered on it. I slept. I awoke and pondered some more. Couldn't begin to describe what I was thinking about, but two albums I listened to liberated me, in a way. The first was "The Beauty of Sadness" by this German drone/dark ambient band called Maeror Tri. Then it was "Wings of Joy" by Cranes, which essentially changed me as a person and solved my whole dilemma.
The dilemma, as mentioned at the start, was something I discussed previously, to do with identity. It was actually an old dilemma of mine, several years old, if not longer (if we're counting unconscious years as well). I started thinking about what want to be - lowkey or edgy? What's my energetic signature? Even before then I have felt hopelessly tangled between the angel and the vampire. I knew I was some kind of hybrid. I looked outward for something to connect to. I found two or three individuals that stood out to me. I allowed myself to absorb them, to try out parts of themselves on myself. I can't really explain it, but eventually I arrived here.
I decided that it's time for me to embrace my weirdness. All the way.
I am using music as a tool to explore & express that self, for my taste to speak for itself, to speak for me in the most raw way. When it comes to art and writing, I still have a measure of self-control, but that's how I want it to be. There is something that needs to be said, some message I wish to relay. This may change over time.
To be weird is to be free.
Inevitably, this sort of thing is also connected to the spiritual side of me.
The dilemmas I've had there are in many ways similar to the ones I have/had when it comes to self-identity, which brings me to my final point (what is this, an essay? lol).
Sometimes I wonder if social media and the entertainment industry is run by actual vampires. It would explain a lot about the change in social attitudes towards demons and the like. Those who would destroy your mind and soul want you to love it when they enslave you, romanticise your dehumanisation. Children worshipping demons deluded into thinking it's free of consequences. The consequences are already obvious.
Nevertheless, I’m genuinely surprised there isn’t a major technopagan movement going on today. There’s all sorts of religious and spiritual revivals and reinterpretations, but the fact that more people aren’t unironically embracing technology and modern household items as magical in their own right kind of boggles my mind. We live in the age of smart technology, how has no one suggested these things have magical energy? The internet and the computer has played a key role in the growth of witchcraft and the occult, the enlightening of minds from ignorance, by releasing hundreds of thousands of documents and books which used to belong only to initiates and scholars of the obscure.
What if that's my calling? The spiritual one? I am cautious about smart technology, but honestly, I think I'm equally connected to technology as I am to organic nature, if not more.
There is surprisingly little information about technopaganism, though many modern witches and occultists use technology. Even myself and my friends have used MP3 players to divine fortunes, though it's not just that. Technology and nature CAN coexist, in my opinion, just as tradition and progress can. Japan is an excellent example of that. But I dream of a future where high tech societies harmoniously exist with wild nature. A spirituality, whether it's occult or pagan or monotheistic, which favours only the natural side is incomplete in my opinion. We live in an age where spiritual leaders misinterpret science, and where science has no soul. It would be a grand thing to bring the two together. I also can't help but think of Serial Experiments Lain, as well as one of my favourite films "Pulse" (Kairo).
"Notice that the internet and the computers that it serves are actually made of the materials of the Earth. They're largely made of metals, silicon, glass, copper, gold, and silver - these are the products of demonic artirface. These are the things that the Alchemists dreamed of. They transform space and time, they allow us to speak at distances oh, and they allow us to wander through libraries thousands of miles distant. They make it so that no fact is too obscure and no person so hidden that you can't reach them." - Terence McKenna
To end this entry, I want to share the most striking example of technology as a spiritual entity.
PS Even if the transhumanism conspiracy theory is legit, that doesn't mean we can't use it as a force for spiritual enlightenment. It's all about reclaiming power, and knowing how to use it...
