Shattered Mirror
Jun. 4th, 2025 11:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dreamingwithfairiesI feel it yet again.
The fractured multitudinous state of my psyche. It's overwhelming.
It's the one thing that renders me incapable of moving forward, progressing, growing. It's weird.
Sometimes I wonder if this is what it feels like to have DID, at least a little bit.
What happened to me?
I always feel so disassociated, struggling to take control of my own mind. Or to make some sense of it.
I feel bound and torn in equal measure. But I don't know who or what is doing the binding, the tearing. Who is benefiting. Where my autonomy goes.
I am at something of a crossroads now. I know what I want, I know the path before me. Either I walk it or I may as well forfeit my life because nothing ever happens. There are no other choices.
The older I get the more of my mother I see in myself, though I used to think we were nothing alike. The seductive pull of sleep and dangerous obsession with escapism. Was I a fool to deny this? Or do I need to wake up and remember who I really am, if there is such a thing as I?
I used to always feel like remembering. Then at some point I've had enough and decided that my soul is not something pre-destined and otherworldly, but right in there here and now, that I become as I create.
Well, that didn't quite work out. I feel no more myself than I ever did, only more isolated.
With my head bowed, I admit that perhaps I was foolish, and that there is something more to who I truly am, to move on from trying to create and return to remembering. Maybe it wasn't all in vain, however. Maybe I can recreate from primordial memory, and that's my path to the freedom that comes with clarity.
The main thing I want to do is to streamline everything. I no longer wish to see myself as a chimera with many heads or whatever. Though humans are multifaceted, there are deeper reasons for this than "it's just human nature" there are lies and delusions hidden in these many faces. I at least wish to be conscious of these. I already am but I fear I have been telling myself sweet little lies because I could not face the painful or frightening truth. I am alone. It is a truth that characterises the current era but... For some reason hope clings to me like a silky spider web. The only way I will succeed in life is if I make peace with this, fall in love with it even. There is comfort there.
I am merely saying this because it is evident in the way my life has played out so far, from birth. I was never lonely but I caught the disease because to be at peace with being alone is to be vulnerable. More than that, it is to be less than human... There's so much more I could say about this. It makes so much sense to me, even though I'm rambling as usual. I feel as though there is a rich darkness waiting for me, full of promise and possibility and comfort. As if God Itself is beckoning me, telling me that I have a gift of some kind, something special that explains why my life has been that way.
I think maybe loneliness is the reason behind my fractured personality. But this loneliness didn't come forward because I had no friends. It's because there were things happening inside of me, things I experienced, that I tried to explain but without being understood. There was no guidance either.
I am speaking of psychic & supernatural phenomena. Mysticism, occult. I've felt the liminal hovering just beyond my reach for as long as I could remember, sometimes it pulled me out of real life and reason altogether, and those were some of the scariest and loneliest times I have ever experienced. I was even attacked by something, a swirling black mass in the dark. I have never been the same, it injected pure isolation and fear into my very core. I honestly believed it would heal overtime. It's been over ten years and little has changed. I am still a shell of my former self. My energy is sickly and unpredictable and there's only so far I can go, so much I can do for myself.
The time has come to stop pitying myself. It hasn't got me anywhere. The good thing is that I am pissed off about it all, and anger is an excellent source of energy and motivation for me. One of my favourite emotions to feel, due to its fiery, determined expression.
So what's the plan?
I honestly don't know yet. Focusing on retrieving the past or recreating the future hasn't worked out for me. I am no more whole than I used to be. Well, maybe I am slightly, but I am also more disassociated since the personality shifts used to always be accompanied by exhilarating lucidity and energy. I've been focusing so much on consistency these past few years but that was merely in an effort to rein in the chaos I have caused in my life during the years I spent actively denying reality.
By the way, when I say "there is no other choice" I'm really referring to my chosen career path that I feel fits me exceptionally well. But it requires a lot of hard work, consistent, and one where results won't be apparent for at least ten years... When I am 40. But what else am I going to do?
There is an alternative, I hear an old whisper that I constantly snuff out every time it speaks.
I will never be a psychic/Tarot reader/whatever. Not for money. It has never sat right with me, it feels fundamentally wrong. But in exchange for other things, favours etc. maybe.
I am considering on returning to that path but I feel so different. I feel like what I'm supposed to do is to start all over, a novice. I made some mistakes when I started out at the age of 17. I am open to doing it again, doing it right, being more cautious.
I'll think of something.
The fractured multitudinous state of my psyche. It's overwhelming.
It's the one thing that renders me incapable of moving forward, progressing, growing. It's weird.
Sometimes I wonder if this is what it feels like to have DID, at least a little bit.
What happened to me?
I always feel so disassociated, struggling to take control of my own mind. Or to make some sense of it.
I feel bound and torn in equal measure. But I don't know who or what is doing the binding, the tearing. Who is benefiting. Where my autonomy goes.
I am at something of a crossroads now. I know what I want, I know the path before me. Either I walk it or I may as well forfeit my life because nothing ever happens. There are no other choices.
The older I get the more of my mother I see in myself, though I used to think we were nothing alike. The seductive pull of sleep and dangerous obsession with escapism. Was I a fool to deny this? Or do I need to wake up and remember who I really am, if there is such a thing as I?
I used to always feel like remembering. Then at some point I've had enough and decided that my soul is not something pre-destined and otherworldly, but right in there here and now, that I become as I create.
Well, that didn't quite work out. I feel no more myself than I ever did, only more isolated.
With my head bowed, I admit that perhaps I was foolish, and that there is something more to who I truly am, to move on from trying to create and return to remembering. Maybe it wasn't all in vain, however. Maybe I can recreate from primordial memory, and that's my path to the freedom that comes with clarity.
The main thing I want to do is to streamline everything. I no longer wish to see myself as a chimera with many heads or whatever. Though humans are multifaceted, there are deeper reasons for this than "it's just human nature" there are lies and delusions hidden in these many faces. I at least wish to be conscious of these. I already am but I fear I have been telling myself sweet little lies because I could not face the painful or frightening truth. I am alone. It is a truth that characterises the current era but... For some reason hope clings to me like a silky spider web. The only way I will succeed in life is if I make peace with this, fall in love with it even. There is comfort there.
I am merely saying this because it is evident in the way my life has played out so far, from birth. I was never lonely but I caught the disease because to be at peace with being alone is to be vulnerable. More than that, it is to be less than human... There's so much more I could say about this. It makes so much sense to me, even though I'm rambling as usual. I feel as though there is a rich darkness waiting for me, full of promise and possibility and comfort. As if God Itself is beckoning me, telling me that I have a gift of some kind, something special that explains why my life has been that way.
I think maybe loneliness is the reason behind my fractured personality. But this loneliness didn't come forward because I had no friends. It's because there were things happening inside of me, things I experienced, that I tried to explain but without being understood. There was no guidance either.
I am speaking of psychic & supernatural phenomena. Mysticism, occult. I've felt the liminal hovering just beyond my reach for as long as I could remember, sometimes it pulled me out of real life and reason altogether, and those were some of the scariest and loneliest times I have ever experienced. I was even attacked by something, a swirling black mass in the dark. I have never been the same, it injected pure isolation and fear into my very core. I honestly believed it would heal overtime. It's been over ten years and little has changed. I am still a shell of my former self. My energy is sickly and unpredictable and there's only so far I can go, so much I can do for myself.
The time has come to stop pitying myself. It hasn't got me anywhere. The good thing is that I am pissed off about it all, and anger is an excellent source of energy and motivation for me. One of my favourite emotions to feel, due to its fiery, determined expression.
So what's the plan?
I honestly don't know yet. Focusing on retrieving the past or recreating the future hasn't worked out for me. I am no more whole than I used to be. Well, maybe I am slightly, but I am also more disassociated since the personality shifts used to always be accompanied by exhilarating lucidity and energy. I've been focusing so much on consistency these past few years but that was merely in an effort to rein in the chaos I have caused in my life during the years I spent actively denying reality.
By the way, when I say "there is no other choice" I'm really referring to my chosen career path that I feel fits me exceptionally well. But it requires a lot of hard work, consistent, and one where results won't be apparent for at least ten years... When I am 40. But what else am I going to do?
There is an alternative, I hear an old whisper that I constantly snuff out every time it speaks.
I will never be a psychic/Tarot reader/whatever. Not for money. It has never sat right with me, it feels fundamentally wrong. But in exchange for other things, favours etc. maybe.
I am considering on returning to that path but I feel so different. I feel like what I'm supposed to do is to start all over, a novice. I made some mistakes when I started out at the age of 17. I am open to doing it again, doing it right, being more cautious.
I'll think of something.
